insanity& insomnia

all those inner random thoughts that have no place to go but here.

Stuck.

I’ve discovered that there are certain moments in my life where I will be stuck between two places- what I want or thought I wanted and what I need. Sometimes you don’t get a choice because one of these things is the ‘right thing to do’ and so you’re forced to look whatever you don’t want/need in the the eye and get through it. Other times you will have many choices but can’t find the right one. The answer you’re looking for, to the question you haven’t asked yourself yet. Time plays a part in this, if the time is right and you are able to, you can jump right into whatever your heart desires but often this is not the case. So you make a decision and later find out it was the wrong one. 

At this point it is easy to tell yourself ‘everything happens for a reason' but you won't believe it because deep down you feel like you've cheated yourself and subconsciously bully yourself irrationally because you know nothing can now be done to take back what has been done.

So you look forwards, for what’s waiting on the other side of this disaster you’ve ended up in and hope what you see will help you find your way, because if it doesn’t you’ll stay stuck, in-between everything you thought you knew and what you now believe to be. Lost inside your own head, wondering if you’ll ever find the piece of you that is missing, the answer to why you feel uncertain and incomplete.

use your voice. i think.

When I think I tell myself the truth about the world and who I am. I think about the bad things happening every second all over the world and how I don’t do anything to stop them. I think about how selfish I am to care about tiny things about myself but not care enough about real things. Thinking it, doesn’t make a difference and saying it, means nothing if nobody’s listening. Can I ever affected someone’s life for better? I want too, what use is living if we only exist for ourselves. Some people don’t have the opportunity to have an opinion and say what they want to say. Whilst the rest of us don’t speak out through fear or uselessness. Does having something to say matter to anyone anymore, because what use is a voice, if noone can hear it?

Time gone by.

If I look back at how much my life has changed from year to year I fill with such emotions. I think of those who I love and miss, those who are being taken away from me as each day passes and those who I loved but lost for better and for worse. My heart tugs for each person I gave my heart to in any shape or form who is no longer in my life but I know that life happens for a reason and everyone is better for it. My heart breaks for those whom my heart still belongs but are moving further and further out of my reach with distance and time and my heart smiles for those whom are still around through thick and thin and to the earth and back because nothing will ever take them from away me.

It’s strange that some of the most special moments in my life are with people who I may never see again even though at the time a life with out one another was unimaginable. It scares me that the current people in my life could disappear any second and become only a memory.

Life changes so much even everyday. The decisions made both minuscule and huge  could affect the rest of my life or maybe just the rest of the day. Change is good and important. All of us grow and adjust as we gain more knowledge and experience from the tears and the laughter and if we didn’t, life would become boring, non-existent; but the people we meet, get to know, love, hate, take with us, leave behind have an impact that in that first 10 seconds of entering each others existence we could not have anticipated and that impact is why a tear rolls down my face tonight. Shed for love lost, the lost loves and the moments that will inevitably fade out. For the time gone by. 

Tomorrow I will smile with the acceptance of yesterday, ready for the new adventures that are yet to come.


you again

Lure me into a false sense of security. Creep up on me when I least expect it. Want me to greet you like an old friend who I’ve been waiting to visit me because its been a while and why wouldn’t I want to see you. I’ve been doing so well so you think its the right time to bring me down. Thankyou for that btw, you have great comic timing. I’m scared of you, what you being here means to me, my current future. I don’t want you here, let me be. You can’t, its your job and its mine to succumb to you. I play my part well. We’ve come to an agreement, you and me. I act normal and paint over the marks I don’t want to see and you hide then jump out when you think its time to create new ones. You start by playing with me, teasing out the damage then driving me mad with it. Next you make me doubt everything around me and I willingly accept, creating a numbness becoming an existence. Soon you’ll make me choose which road to take at junction but you will give me no clues and I’ll begin not to care. And once you’ve pushed me that far, something in me will wake up and fight back and I’ll push you out again. But you will return and I can only wait.